Hatin'

Happiness. In order to follow the prime directive and be true to ourselves it is high time we settle into what is job #1: dickishly criticizing things. Does this guy look happy? Not to us. Yes we know, a dalmatian, beloved firedog, dressed so cleverly here in a fireman's coat and hat and wait, can it be...near a fire hydrant. Get it - fire, see, dalmatians are associated with fucking fire stuff! He looks totally psyched, oh yes he knows he looks cute. What's that suit made of Kevlar? It looks comfortable. I bet this human has 100 more of these poor bastards at home and then one more for when the sequel came out. We are also relatively sure that the human associated with this has nearly a full wardrobe from the Disney Store and more denim shirts than the Marlboro Man. A closer look at this picture from a regular NYC "dog event" is telling. Let's see, PA speakers and what appears to be a keyboard where local bar band washouts/cop-rock superstars Jimmy Nalgone and the Station Hounds bust out Born to Run, Who Let the Dogs Out (ironically of course, they are rockers), a Snoop Dogg medley (ironically of course, they are white), and "We Built This City on Rock and Lowered Expectations". What else can be seen? Well for one thing, no human in the picture appears to be sub-200 lbs. Which is understandable given a steady diet of carnival/street fair food and empty nest dysthymia which have both come to bear on this poor fellow. A house full of QVC china dolls themed for the European countries of olde is no place for a dog and neither is inside a polyesther costume. Haven't these people heard about adopting foreign babies from war-torn Pennsylvania?

It's not this dog's fault that children grow up. We know they didn't explain that sticking point in church back when this person was of child bearing age but surely that insight could have been gleaned somewhere. No? Here's a considerably more hip duo also from NYC. This time the offend-a-palooza is that ground zero memorial to credit card bohemia: The Tompkins Square Halloween Dog Parade. Extra ween please. Notice the carefully groomed paws, suggestive, gender-nonspecific pirate outfit, and pastel collar that announces Power-bottom Avenue has just intersected Main Street. The dog looks pretty lame too. One thing is for certain - they're both mad at daddy. True, this guy doesn't seem quite as miserable as our friend up top and perhaps a little guy like this appreciates some warmth in late October as we do but seriously, must we be subjected to this? Leave dressed up dogs to the pros. Besides, if you are going for trans-species costumery why not pick the classics?

- P&S