Showing posts with label A-hole humans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label A-hole humans. Show all posts

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Cino de Mayo: Now in New Seis

Hecho en Mexico. Well, in Arizona they just passed a law or something that essentially says you can be stopped and asked for your papers if you are more tan than Sissy Spacek or that monk in that movie with the guy from Bachelor Party. We understand that the intricate legal details of the law were too esoteric to get it popularly passed but once pared to its essence: If you're brown you're goin' down, it went right through the legislature. Yes, it's true we're both immigrants. But not from parts unknown - from Mexico. Though we realize the two are almost always synonymous. While we pride ourselves on being transplanted yankee-doodles we thought we would take the occasion of the holiday yesterday to reflect upon our home nations, our adopted, beloved America, and the future we - guests in a nation of guests - must forge. For openers, let us clarify that while I (Petey) was born in Mexico, I (Sadie) came to your shores by way of a cultural exchange program from Puerto Rico though my ancestry is of course Mexican. This explains my love for Big Pun, Rosie Perez, and NPR (As loved by Rosie Perez). Where as I (Petey) recall romantic nights scavenging comida prehispanico via the dimly lit take-out stalls of Tijuana each painted with a scrawled "Taco Bell" logo to fool the gringos who came down with their high school buddies to score some Spanish Fly. Many an evening was spent in revelry there my friends. Which is not to say that a goddamn 2x2 cage in Puppies for Less isn't nice too. Anyway, we want to set the record straight that despite our flag waving for the good ol' U.S. of A. and our near perfect scores on the citizenship exam (Who knew that reciting lines from Nice Dreams would not qualify as American??) we are uniformly against this law. Without permeable borders who would white humans work in food service with during grad school so they could later claim bilingual on their Starbucks application? Who would keep Larry Merchant in a job? and who the fuck would live in Arizona? Proponents of this law claim that nothing in it will lead to racial profiling which of course is like saying that smearing yourself in bacon grease will not lead to us biting your junk. Please stop pulling our leashes, we are curious what jobs you feel they are stealing and what public systems you feel they are draining other than your swimming pools. Besides, if you were so concerned might you not learn from other ass-backward legislation like prohibition or the war on drugs or No Labradoodle Left Behind and see that this will not only alienate those non-alien residents who happen to skin more toward George Hamilton than George Washington (An illegal) but drive those alien aliens further underground and further away from measurable contribution until finally they just pop out of an astronaut's stomach like that other alien in Alien? What a field day for the heat. But its a dry heat.
Hasta manana bitches
-P & S


Hatin'

Happiness. In order to follow the prime directive and be true to ourselves it is high time we settle into what is job #1: dickishly criticizing things. Does this guy look happy? Not to us. Yes we know, a dalmatian, beloved firedog, dressed so cleverly here in a fireman's coat and hat and wait, can it be...near a fire hydrant. Get it - fire, see, dalmatians are associated with fucking fire stuff! He looks totally psyched, oh yes he knows he looks cute. What's that suit made of Kevlar? It looks comfortable. I bet this human has 100 more of these poor bastards at home and then one more for when the sequel came out. We are also relatively sure that the human associated with this has nearly a full wardrobe from the Disney Store and more denim shirts than the Marlboro Man. A closer look at this picture from a regular NYC "dog event" is telling. Let's see, PA speakers and what appears to be a keyboard where local bar band washouts/cop-rock superstars Jimmy Nalgone and the Station Hounds bust out Born to Run, Who Let the Dogs Out (ironically of course, they are rockers), a Snoop Dogg medley (ironically of course, they are white), and "We Built This City on Rock and Lowered Expectations". What else can be seen? Well for one thing, no human in the picture appears to be sub-200 lbs. Which is understandable given a steady diet of carnival/street fair food and empty nest dysthymia which have both come to bear on this poor fellow. A house full of QVC china dolls themed for the European countries of olde is no place for a dog and neither is inside a polyesther costume. Haven't these people heard about adopting foreign babies from war-torn Pennsylvania?

It's not this dog's fault that children grow up. We know they didn't explain that sticking point in church back when this person was of child bearing age but surely that insight could have been gleaned somewhere. No? Here's a considerably more hip duo also from NYC. This time the offend-a-palooza is that ground zero memorial to credit card bohemia: The Tompkins Square Halloween Dog Parade. Extra ween please. Notice the carefully groomed paws, suggestive, gender-nonspecific pirate outfit, and pastel collar that announces Power-bottom Avenue has just intersected Main Street. The dog looks pretty lame too. One thing is for certain - they're both mad at daddy. True, this guy doesn't seem quite as miserable as our friend up top and perhaps a little guy like this appreciates some warmth in late October as we do but seriously, must we be subjected to this? Leave dressed up dogs to the pros. Besides, if you are going for trans-species costumery why not pick the classics?

- P&S